To Share or Not to Share . . . .

. . . . . that has been the question.

When our first transfer did not result in a pregnancy as we had hoped and prayed, I was absolutely devastated.  I know that the end result was exactly what God willed, and I trust wholly in His decision, but my flesh is weak and my heart grieved the loss of those little lives deeply.  I grieved hard in solitude, hoping that would make it easier when I had to tell people face to face that I was not pregnant.  It didn't.  The lump in my throat still came and the tears welled up and spilled over.  So I decided that if we went through with another transfer, I would keep it a secret because it was so painful to tell everyone the truth -- the truth that despite the fact that three little lives were placed in my womb, I was not pregnant.

But then I thought of the names of many ladies who have honestly, sometimes painfully and sometimes joyfully shared about their journeys down the path of embryo adoption on their blogs, and how much it has helped me knowing that I am not alone in my joy, in my sorrow, and in my grief.  So I have decided (with my husband's blessing) to share with you about our second embryo transfer that is coming up on November 16th.  If someone reading about our journey is encouraged or finds comfort in knowing they are not alone in their grief, to God be all the glory!

Shortly after our last transfer, I had a follow-up phone consultation with Dr. K.  I know, that I know, that I know that God is sovereign and that there is nothing I could have done to change the outcome of our first transfer, but as I said before, my flesh is weak and I found myself thinking that perhaps I had done something that had caused the death of my babies in my womb.  Or perhaps I DIDN'T do something . . . . The conversation I had with Dr. K really helped me have closure with our first transfer and put those thoughts to rest.  He said that I responded perfectly to the protocol, two of three embryos were perfect, and the transfer itself went perfectly.  He said that things looked perfect from our perspective and it would seem that a healthy pregnancy would result, but that God willed otherwise.  He also said that many women conceive in any given  month, but that the embryo is unable for whatever reason to grow and is flushed out of the woman's system without her ever being aware it was there, and from his clinical perspective, the embryos from our transfer would have fallen in that category.  Unfortunately, there is no way to know ahead of time which embryos are capable of continued growth and which ones are not, so we pray, we hope and we trust the Lord for the outcome, whatever it may be.

We are cautiously excited about our upcoming transfer.  We did not have any embryos remaining from our first transfer, so we had to go through the process of selecting a donor family again.  The donors we chose have 10 embryos, 7 at the 2PN stage and 3 at the blastocyst stage.  We have negotiated an open communication agreement with our donors and will have it notarized this next week making our adoption of the 10 embryos official.  Woo hoo!  I have already begun the medication protocol and had my first monitoring appointment last week.  Everything is going well!  We are very thankful to our donors, E & K, for choosing life for their embryos!

And we thank all of you for your encouragement and prayers!