Heavy Heart

It has been a very emotional few days.  As I sit here to write, my mind feels numb.  I don't even want to write, but there have been so many visits to my blog the past couple of days that I feel like I need to post something so that everyone knows what has happened following our transfer.

Last week in the middle of the week, I began feeling sick, much like morning sickness, but I wasn't sure if it was that or just the progesterone in my system.  By Friday evening, I had other symptoms in addition to being nauseous, so I was 90% sure that I was pregnant.  It was the other 10% that scared me, so I didn't want to do a home test.

Sunday afternoon, my symptoms persisted, so Tom stopped at CVS on our way home from church and had me buy a test because he wanted to know which way things were going.  I took it as soon as we got home and was over the moon with joy and disbelief when a second line immediately appeared!  I cried, I laughed, I praised the Lord and walked around in a daze the rest of the day.

Monday morning when I got up, I took another test just because I enjoyed seeing two lines appear so much the day before.  After oodles of negative tests the last 5 years, my eyes feasted on what a positive test looked like!  However, I became concerned when the line on Monday's test was barely discernible.  If anything, it should have been darker.  I tried to console myself with the fact that home tests are qualitative - they are measuring if there is hcg present in the urine, not how much, and a line is a line.  The blood test is quantitative - it measures how much hcg is in the blood and it is the test that counts.  Still, my heart was heavy as Tom and I drove into Atlanta to my RE's office to get my blood drawn.

We came home and I kept myself busy mopping my floors.  (Isn't that what everyone does when they feel stressed?)  The call from the nurse at the NEDC finally came a little after 4:00.  My beta was 8.1.  Given the barely there line Monday morning, it was likely on its way down, not up.  Even if it was on its way up, the number would need to be much higher for it to be a viable pregnancy.  I was given instructions to continue my meds and have my blood drawn again Wednesday morning.  I tested again this afternoon and came up with a stark white test where just two days ago there was a pink line.

I know what is coming tomorrow.  My beta will be below 5 indicating that I am no longer pregnant and that all three babies are now in heaven.

My emotions are raw right now and I continue to be a tearful mess.  But do you know what?  I am being held in the arms of my Savior and my dear husband.  If there is one thing I've learned about grace, it is like manna from heaven -- you can't save it up.  You get it when you need it, and His grace is truly sufficient.

A couple of my sweet bloggy friends have reminded me that God chose me before the foundation of the world to be the momma He would use to usher their souls into His kingdom for all eternity.  I am humbled to be used of Him and thankful for the time they were in my womb.

Tom and I are processing through much right now, but what I am thinking and feeling isn't spilling out of my fingers the way I hoped it would tonight.

I will post again tomorrow after we receive my blood test results.